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“Caution, don’t get caught in the conflict jungle”

There is so much going on in our world today. People are being hypervigilant are in a state of increased anxiety which can cause so many different emotions due to what is going on with the CoronaVirus. Creating conflict in areas that we did not plan and were unprepared for. People are having to social distancing themselves, not by choice. Organizations and places of business are closing shop for a minimum of two weeks, and are up for reevaluating, which can mean no income coming in for many, kids having to be home, individuals and parents worried about the bills, Which creates isolation, stress, fear, anxiety, and scarcity, the way we respond to what is going on in the world around us is crucial.

I am working on a study with my middle schooler, yet before this whole thing with the Coronavirus, it had been one of the hardest challenges to set time aside. Other things were taking up our time, which seemed to take precedent or more critical. But luckily, since we have a lot more time in our hands, it has allowed some deep conversations to take place. As we came upon one of the chapters, it discussed conflict. It was a great eye-opener to realize that we all handle conflict very differently. Some handle conflict by being explosive, shutting down, feeling annoyed, and having feelings of being attacked. We are discovering conflict is not the underlying issue but revealing what is underneath.

This whole child-rearing a middle schooler has definitely been a challenge as a mother for me. Growing up, I did not have a good relationship with my mother. Yet that has been one of my greatest desires is to establish that with my daughter. In my upbringing, conflict was handled by screaming or being physical or given the silent treatment. I did not know how to handle conflict or adequately taught. A lot of self-reflection within my upbringing, parenting skills, and how I currently managed conflict. I would not say I was like my parents but handle conflict in other ways by shutting down or even having that fourth of July experience that takes place once a year, in losing control and yelling, not proud of those moments. Especially in a heated situation, you honestly can tell what is underneath by what a person is saying, and then once you have spoken, you can not take back what was said. 

It was beautiful to see my daughter, and I discover what conflict is genuinely about and that despite the attitudes or the silent treatment, it was not what I saw through my own eyes but finding what is underneath all of that is taking place. I walked away with a valuable lesson that I am sharing with you today. It caused me to seek more in-depth and approaching things humbly once I discovered what was underneath it. We even created keywords when we sensed conflict coming knowing when to take a step back and reflect. 

So our keyword is “chili pepper.” I wish I can take credit, but my daughter came up with that one. As I reflected on a chili pepper, chili peppers are hot; we agreed that when we would use the word, it could not be directly said as chili pepper, hello chili peppers! That would create more spicyness in our environment, but use it against our surroundings. For example, did you notice that there’s a lot of chili peppers growing on the tree outside? Or look at how big those chili pepper are, silly, I know, but having this in place allows us to see if we can help defuse the situation and then identify what is truly going on that is causing the conflict.  

Conflicts can seem more straightforward than we think or complicated and, at times, hits you out of nowhere one moment you are okay, and the next thing you are in a heated argument asking yourself what just happened. We came to an understanding that conflict doesn’t create the problem; they reveal the problem and expose what is in our hearts. A lot of times, we want our way or are annoyed, and you have to ask yourself what it is that you are craving at this moment while this conflict is going on that you are not getting.

How many times in our lives do we feel like we were are not getting our way, want to be left alone, or feel like we are not understood, or we want to be in control? Or feeling unappreciated, or perhaps you wish to get even or inflict pain or win the argument. It is a question hearing the noise that is happening and seeking what is going on underneath the sound?  

So I want to leave you with these few tips:

  • Reflect on if your conflict is more profound than what you are hearing? 
  • Work quickly to resolve your inner conflicts. 
  • Choose to walk into them humbly.
  • Come up with a keyword when things begin to become spicy.
  • Do not allow fear to paralyze what you are facing, but stand in faith that this too shall pass. 
  • You decide how you want trespond to the noise that is happening.

Carrier’s of Hope,

Sandy Cortes 

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time