Sandy Cortes, founder of Carrier's of Hope. Over fourteen years of experience in educating & relating to women, marriages and family restoration by interjecting proven principles within the context of in-depth coaching sessions, as well as group conferences.
Motto: "When there are life challenges going on there is always a solution".
Isn’t it hard to forgive someone who has wronged us? Especially when the person doesn’t even recognize the pain they have caused?
Forgiveness is a process, one that begins with a declaration that we are willing to trust God with our pain and the person who wronged us, but then it’s a continual movement toward that trust as the feelings of our wounds arise.
We have to continue to remind ourselves that we are walking it out and asking God to help us through this process.
How does one forgive when the wound is still open?
One of the things I have my clients do is write a letter to the person they need to forgive, have them read it out loud, and then dispose of it.
This forgiveness process is not about the person who caused the hurt, but about freeing you. To constantly go to the one who can genuinely heal that wound, God.
Walk this journey with me, and let’s choose to forgive, even if that means to forgive yourself. Choose to walk in your freedom today.
It takes courage to forgive, and it’s not a sign of weakness, no matter how loud the wounds or scars are screaming at you. It’s not about justice but your freedom.
Who do you need to forgive today? As you were reading this, who came to mind?
Have you ever had that feeling where you felt paralyzed and felt your heart racing Where you feel the hairs on the back of your neck, and your hands begin to shake? All of a sudden, there it was on the other side.
I was sitting outside on my patio, taken back by the beautiful skies, embracing the fresh air, and feeling the temperature starting to change. My cute boxer was excited that momma was coming to spend time with him. I watched as he began to jump around and took full advantage of our backyard as he ran from side to side. When all of a sudden, we heard a roar on the other side of our fence. I was taken back by the noise and felt threatened. I watched the hairs of his body stand up, and he got into position as if something was coming at us.
Have you ever gotten that sudden call where you are so disoriented by the news? Engulfed feelings of fear and unsure of what to do. Saying, “No, no,no, please, do not say that almost anticipating what they were going to say next. I recall receiving that call in 2014 that one of my loved ones had tried to commit suicide while away at college. I was confused and taken back by the details. All these emotions came full force of anger, fear, and I thought, please wake me up from this bad nightmare.
As a mother, how does one cope with such news? No matter what anyone says,you are left with those feelings, wondering how did we get to this point? You even begin to reflect on your parenting skills and ask where or how did I miss these signs? How many times in life have things happened that you felt paralyzed by the sound of the roar? That its sting makes you question everything you have ever known or even believed. Maybe still feeling in shock and succumbed by waves of denial.
I am not sure what you are facing today, but I have had many of those roars try and take me out. Some were hard. Others I had to stare at the aftermath of those and figure on how I was truly going to cope with those.
The critical thing here is that you face those things and not allow the boom to paralyze you. Sometimes in life, we do not understand certain things that come our way and are out of our control. Just as my dog stood stout and prepared for what was coming, you do the same. If you are uncertain on how to deal with what has happened, call a friend or a loved one. Where you can process and speak about the situation. I know many times with me that was not enough, I had to ask God to help and guide me through the process, and I know he can do the same for you.
By the way, the roar on the other side was a German shepherd that sounded like a lion. Today my adult child is whole and now has a family of his own. I even have a grandbaby, and I have fallen into a new title of being called, “A Glamma,” too young and hip for any other terminology. So, no matter how loud the roar is or what this may look like, know that this also shall pass and do not allow it to take you out.
My prayers are with you today and know that whatever is roaring on the other side cannot take you out! It may feel like it at first but stand stout and look at in the face to let it know you see what is happening, and you will overcome this!
How many people do you think we pass by every day that is contemplating whether they should live or die? Here is something that will blow your mind; about 44,000 people try to commit suicide each year. As sad as it is people use different measures to get through life, whether it is drugs, alcohol, or sex or hide behind certain things, so they do not have to face or deal with what is going. Sadly, even suicide becomes an option.
I find myself wondering how does someone get to this point in their life that it becomes an option. I believe it begins with our thoughts, especially when things seem like they are falling apart and no longer have the energy to fight or do not know what to do to change their situation. We all struggle with our thoughts, and at times, the challenges we face can feel unbearable that the circumstances are destroying the very life of them slowly and are crying out for help and do not how to get it. Becoming a prisoner to whatever they are facing and give themselves their sentencing. Life gets hard; people begin to believe that there is no escape and that their situation will not get any better.
My heart is heavy and sadden as I was reading about a Pastor in California that committed suicide a few days ago, leaving behind a wife and two beautiful children. I can not even imagine what the wife and children are experiencing — lingering with unanswered questions. Everyone asking the same thing why did their friend, child, parent, spouse, or sibling take their own life? They felt enough despair to want to die, but why did they think that?
A person’s suicide often takes the people it leaves behind by surprise. In 2013, I lost a loved one to suicide and can still feel the sting of that. Left with so many unanswered questions and wanting to know the same thing, why? I knew challenges were going on but never envisioned not seeing that person again. We think to ourselves all the could of, would of or even feel guilty that maybe we were not their enough for that individual because we have so many other things tugging on us. We may genuinely never know what all was going on in that person’s life that made them make that choice. But it does make you pause and reflect when you hear about it or occurs in that person’s life.
Today, I find myself reflecting on how life gets busy and passes by so quickly. Not knowing if that person in front of you is struggling and contemplating if they are better off no longer being here. Going through their battles and killing them softly inside, crying out for help, in hopes that maybe someone will notice, recognize, speak to them in giving them an encouraging word, prayer, or hug. Let’s slow down and pay attention to who we are passing by each day. Maybe at the grocery store, or the gas station or your neighborhood or community of people that you come across. Especially our loved ones, sometimes they are the ones that need us the most.
My prayers go out to those who have lost a loved one to suicide. Let’s embrace them and let them know we are there for them. Take some time to reflect and pick up the phone, text, or visit with someone that has come to mind that you can uplift. You never know how much life can bring to them and how that can be the shift that they needed.
It’s interesting to me how the word “change” means and affect people in different ways. One of my clients once told me, “That she wanted to apologize for the miscommunication she has had, but when she speaks to me that it is excellent, but it’s intimidating. She stated when she sees me; I represent change, a pleasant change one she feels she needs. But she knew this meant having to go within herself and do some changes which would be a tough task for her.
I realize that we are all trying to get through life with those fragmented pieces of our lives. Unknowing why we act a certain way or don’t know how to bring change. For many years, I believed I was damaged. I was comfortable with those fragmented pieces of me that weren’t healthy and thought those pieces would keep me safe. Until I couldn’t do it anymore, I was going down a destructive path of self-hatred and sabotaging and should have been dead. I could relate to my client and what it meant to change and had so many different fears towards change.
Change can be challenging and emotionally draining. Old patterns and habits are hard to break. I read this quote by Socrates, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Focus on what you need to do to orchestrate change in your life. For example, I began to allow someone to have access to my messiness and hold me accountable. Someone who would not judge or condemn me, but that would let me have a “brave space” that I could trust and be willing to facilitate change.
This is where change began to take place within me, and yes, a lot of times I would be kicking and screaming and felt very much like the witch in Wizard of Oz, melting away. It was hard to face those fragmented pieces of myself that I had been so comfortable with. Someone came alongside and walked through those fragmented parts of my life that needed healing and change.
Even today, I still have someone who holds me accountable whether a new season in my life has come that seems unbearable or challenges that I may be trying to walk out. Accountability has become part of my life because it is easy to get complacent and allow old patterns in. Decide to let go of some of those fragmented parts that you are tired of living with. I want to challenge you to evaluate where you are at today.
Are you afraid of change, ask yourself these questions: -What if I change this part of me what will life look like? -What will people say, if that is who I have been and change? -What will I do, if that change is gone? -Who will I be? -Has this been part of my identity? -Will people still love and accept me?
I am so passionate about helping and encouraging others, the same I was. I speak hope into the lives of those that are hopeless, stopped growing, and are stuck in defeat, believing that this was the life they were meant to live-assuming that they are damaged and that is the path of heading towards destruction. It is easy to hold onto those parts of our lives that we believe help keep us safe or prohibit us from growing. Remember the meaning of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Choose today to want change and you will get the results you have always wanted! You are worth it!
Lately, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching. Wondering where did this fragmented part of me called “perfectionist” come from? In my early years, I was all over the place, and “order” did not exist in my life. Not until I had children and got my first corporate job is when I started to understand the importance of order and how it needed to become part of my life. Then I began to notice that if there was something that was not in order or that was not done right; then I would come undone. I would become frustrated, or the little lie would whisper, “You could have done a better job at that.” Honestly, I never paid attention to why I would respond to certain things like that.
Growing up, I knew my parents always wanted the best for me and loved me. They wanted me to have a good-paying career, and an education which who doesn’t want that for their children. Both parents were hard workers. My stepfather was strict and had a lot of “do’s and “don’t.” So whenever something was not up to his standards, he would vocalize or demonstrate how disappointed he was of me and my behavior. It could have been the smallest things, like not washing the dishes properly. Then the harsh comments would come, “You can never do anything right or “You are so lazy, you will never amount to anything or my least favorite, “You will always be a failure.”
Earlier this year, I began the journey of self-discovery and started to search in places that had always been there but never had I visited. I have been on a quest of trying to connect the dots of why I do certain things or why I allow certain things to bother me. There is where I found that fragmented part of me called, perfectionist.” The connection in why things had to be a certain way. Whenever I would hear those words in my head, “You can never do anything right” the actions would follow right after where everything needed to be perffect for it to be considered right, how twisted is that? What saddens me the most is that I spent many years in that vicious cycle.
I even introduced this fragmented part of me to my children as well. I did not vocalize it but by giving a cold shoulder or my disapproval look, that said enough. I am quickly learning to extend grace and forgive myself and be an encourager to them when they have their moments. I find myself praying that they too will get the same revelation I have; not called to perfect. It is okay to want to have things in order, and it is reasonable to want to strive to achieve a specific goal for personal reasons that are healthy or that will help you grow. But when you attempt to be perfect or hard on yourself for falling short, that’s when it becomes unhealthy.
That is where that fragmented part gives birth and creeps in and eats at even the best parts of you. Everyone is imperfect, and there is not a perfect being on this earth. So why continue to strive after something that no matter how much you attempt to perfect never happens, and waste years achieving something that is a dead end. Everyone is flawed in their way and has challenges that they may or not recognize in them. But when you begin to get stressed out, or it becomes compulsive in reaching an absolute perfection, this becomes a weakness, and now that pesky little guy has gnawed his teeth inside of you and seeks to suck the life out of you, which hinders you from living a life of being content, fulfillment, and happiness.
So beloved, I want you to ask yourself what you are striving after? Who or what have you allowed to creep in that resides and is continually eating away at you?
I pray that you would know that you are enough and are loved. That you would know God sees you as his beautiful masterpiece and made no mistakes when he created you.
Sometimes in life things happen that are out of our control. Painful events like losing a loved one, a divorce, a traumatic experience. Those things shape, mold and change who we were called to be.
We sit in those dark hours alone, devastated wondering why or how and try to make sense of it all. Maybe still in a state of shock and not know how to process what’s occurred.
I have had many of those painful events occur throughout my life. For the longest time I remained angry and stuck wondering why this happened.
Then one day a light bulb went off and I realized this pain was not just for me to endure. I had to face those hard things and allow forgiveness and healing to take place within my heart and mind.
I began to realize that I was called to help others with their pain and come alongside to help guide them and not remain stuck. To breathe hope and help them with their disbelief of fighting the good fight. No matter what has happened in their life.
I want to encourage you to not lose hope. I’m not sure what you are facing. But I want to speak hope into your situation and let you know that your going to make it. One day you will share your story with another individual that comes across your path and you will let them know your story and how you made it through.
I was fascinated as I was watching a documentary about Lions. Did you know that a lion is a large cat and are known as “king of the beasts?” They are very territorial and truly defend their area against intruding lions and other animals. One of the ways a lion proclaims an area is by their roaring and scent marking on trees or different regions. Interesting enough the lions were calculating how to take down their prey, and then all of a sudden lunged at the neck and bit down until the animal was strangled.
This documentary was such a great illustration of how easily individuals can become prey and be killed. It made me reflect on how easy it is to fall prey to certain things in our lives. One downfall the lions have is that they do not keep track of the direction of the wind blowing. Which leads the bigger prey to them due to their scent marking. Reflecting on the enemies in our lives we tend to not see coming and are caught off guard.
I know one of my enemies has been “thoughts.” Did you know that we get anywhere from 25,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day? Seems overwhelming and exhausting all at the same time. Experts say, typically it is more negative thoughts than positive that come and can change your whole outlook on life. Those thoughts usually come in at the midnight hours, while sitting dormant or when facing difficulties.
I know for me it is tough to shake some of those enemies off. I have watched people lose touch with who they were because this “enemy” crept in and took the life right out of them literally. Not realizing how damaging that “enemy” can be to our well-being. In the line of work that I do” thoughts” are the number one cause that enables people to remain stuck and from growing.
I have learned to decipher things and become a good listener, be more observant of where I am at mentally and watch my behaviors as well as others. At times it can be disheartening to see how people change due to the enemy that has come in and sapped who they were called to be versus who they are. We get so bombarded that one has to be intentional about deciphering what those enemies are so that they do not sap the life right out of us.
So I want to propose these questions to you:
What are some of the things that you did not calculate that have changed who you are?
Are you sitting with those feelings of defeat because you lost sight of the enemy and life has strangled who you are?
Learn to be alert and calculate how to take down your prey, so it does not take you out.
Be sober [well balanced and self-disciplined], be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion [fiercely hungry], seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8, AMP).