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Being deformed rather than transformed

shattered doll

I recall back in my high school years I loved wearing high heels. Back then they were called pumps. This girl had a struct like a runway model always feeling ready for a show.

Several years ago I began having pain on my left foot, so I decided to see a podiatrist. I am embarrassed to be putting this out there for the world to read. He said, “Sandy, you have a bunion growing on your foot.” I quickly said, “A who, come again, an onion.” I’m laughing as I am typing this. He could see the puzzling look on my face. So I asked him, “What in the world is that, how did that happen and how do we get rid of it?” He mentioned, “It a bony profusion that forms in the joint at the base of the big toe.” Then it begins to put pressure on the big toe causing it to grow outward. I had this confused look on my face; it was not registering.

Here are some stats, do you know that about 8% of women over the age of 21 reports having this condition. I thought to myself, “I am not trying to be part of this girl’s club. The analytical in me kicked in and pondered on that percentage being low. Well, come to find out that it is about 18 million women, and I was one of them.

I was still waiting for how did it happen part, and he mentioned several things. Then the light bulb went off when he said that it could come from the high-heeled, pointy toe, poorly designed or ill-fitting shoes. Remember that runway model back in high school. The doctor recommended not wearing those cute high heels caused the bunion would continue to grow. My feathers were already ruffled and sprawled out like a peacock having to let go of the crown of my days as a runway model, and now all those beautiful heels pointed shoes to go away.

Then he said, “It is a slow process, and you have no control when it begins to a happen and over time the toe starts to shape itself to the right. Toes are not supposed to do that! That day I was not about to let not podiatrist tell me what to wear let alone take my runway crown. Then it began to happen as he predicted. Have you ever seen a bunion on someone’s foot? Let’s say it is not attractive no matter if you are wearing the prettiest sandals. Those beautiful heels became so uncomfortable to wear and would hurt. I quickly made that call when I began to notice this take place and wanted that ugly thing gone. I had to have surgery. Throughout the years, I have not worn those pretty heels as much I as would wish too; the doctor did state that it can come back.

Have you ever had something in your life happen that grew on you without having any control over it, as that bunion did for me? I can not tell you how many people I speak to that life took a turn that changed them: an unexpected illness, a divorce, or a loss of a loved one. Seeing the warning signs and having no control of what direction it’s going. That ugly thing did not have permission to be there.

As I was reflecting on one of my journal entries back in December of 2009, I recall going through such a hard time. I had recently lost my mother about two years to cancer and my neighbors were killed by a drunk driver, leaving behind three beautiful children. Life was hard, and I wanted answers, I was angry and felt like life was not fair. I was mad at people, God and did want no spiel of “only God knows or this is part of life, it happens.” So many emotions were taking place, and everything seemed so out of control. It began to deform a lot of areas in my life. To grow and take shape into parts of me that started to change who I was — not seeing it grow on me and then not knowing how to remove them.

I wish I can say, that I went back to the doctor and had surgery to get it removed. If only it were that easy, right? It took a lot of time to heal, and at times things still come up from those hard years. I had learned to permit myself to grieve those things, to allow the anger and hurt to be expressed versus keeping it bottled in or putting it in a file to deal with later. Then as time went on, I ask God, to help me heal and let it go. I was not allowing the analytical Sandy to want all the questions answered before moving forward. I was tired of being angry.

One of the most significant things that took place was that it brought a lot of transformation in my life. It allowed me to have compassion for those who are grieving the loss of something whether it was a death or not. Something was birthed in me in wanting to help others identify those deformities that take place. Then to begin to have surgery on callous areas and use those things to cause the transformation to take place.

I have had a lot of deformities take place in my life and eventually I became so tired of having them there. I was afraid to have to go and get them looked at. I want to ask a question, “Are you afraid of being deformed rather than transformed?” I am not sure what you’re facing, but I want to encourage you to permit yourself to feel those things that have happened in your life. To take a look at the deformities and ask yourself has this cause a transformation or is still deforming different parts of your life?

Beloved, know that you have a story to share just as I am sharing some of the chapters of mine. Begin by picking up the phone, or send an email or text and ask someone to help come alongside and help you with those deformities. How much longer before you have them removed?

Carrier’s of Hope,
Sandy Cortes
Breathing Hope One Life at a Time!

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A death must take place

One of the hardest things to have to face is the death of a loved one. I know it is a part of life, but it is tough to go through. In 2007, my mother died of cancer, and there were so many different emotions that were taking place. I recall being numb and in denial, then came the outpouring feelings of rage and anger. The only way I know how to describe it is when you go on a rollercoaster and like it so much that you decide you want to ride it again and again. That is how I felt with my emotions, yet I had not permitted myself to go on that ride.

I am not one to go and visit the grave where my mother is buried. Every time I have gone, it brings pain that she is no longer here. I feel like she was buried before her time. I begin to reminisce of all our memories together some which are good and others that are not. I can hear her laughter and see her smile. It is a sad and hurtful experience for me. Emotions are raw, and technically her remains are there, but she is not. Even if I were to pull her out of the casket, it would not bring her back to life.

How about those emotional deaths that take place in our lives that we were not prepared for? The death of something that was done. Something that was buried before it’s time. Never taking the time to grieve the loss of whatever that was. Whether it was a betrayal, a relationship that ended or an unexpected loss of a home or a job, or a family member that decided to disown you at a young age. Do we ever really take the time to grieve the loss of those wounds. That pain is so unbearable that we disassociate ourselves from it and act like it never happened.

At the beginning of the year I decided to go back to school to get my Master’s in Counseling. Little did I know that I was playing two roles, the student and the client. You know that feeling of “Surprise,” but there are no balloons or party favors and realize this is not a celebration. Yes, that was my party and I was the only one attending! It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions that have been oozing out of my pores. Things that I had buried before it’s time and never grieved.

Brene Brown says, “One must grieve the loss of what that was for something new to be born.” In my mind, this did not make any sense to me. Until I started pondering on the meaning of this. When things happen in our lives, it creates emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that came from that death that took place in our lives. Somehow we recreate this new identity due from that death that took place.

Remember that part of not liking to visit my mother’s gravesite, well this has been the process for the past 12 weeks. I have had to go to the gravesite of my deaths that have taken place and pull out the casket and look at those things in the face and mourn, cry, and scream. At times it is as if I am revisiting those same deaths. It has been one of the hardest things to face, harder than the emotions of the actual death of my mother. Different waves of emotion that surface without an invitation. I am not sure if I have ever felt so broken and to my recollection, I thought I had buried those things for good.

What I am learning from my schooling, and the wonderful Brene Brown is learning how to visit those deaths in the face and grieve the loss of what occurred and then close the casket. As you are reading this, I am praying that this particular blog touched your heart today. I am not sure where you are in visiting those areas of your life that caused death to take place, but I do want you to let you know that it may be painful at first but at the same it is so liberating. For something to be born something must die in us first!

So I say to you, “Do it afraid!” Face whatever that is, whether it is fear, bitterness, resentment or unforgiveness and mourn the loss of whoever caused it and go back and close that casket for good! I promise you it will feel so liberating and bring freedom and something new will be born out of it!

Sandy Cortes

Carrier’s of Hope,

Breathing Hope One Life at Time!

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Motion Detected

I recently purchased equipment similar to the ring door. It was fascinating that every time any kind of activity came near it would alert me. I can watch through the camera as things were coming up towards the door and how it just alerted. It would indicate, “Motion Detected” whether it was an animal or someone walking by it automatically picked any motion.

Being who I am I always look at things as an opportunity to dig deeper which made me reflect on how unalert we are with the things that we allow in our lives. Or sometimes are alert of the those. How many times in our lives have we detected something and just kind of brushed it away and figured oh it’s nothing. Years later it reared it’s ugly head up again and are still dealing with those things that were detected years ago. 

What I found the most fascinating about this device was the fact that I can watch those things as they were coming near. How many times in our life do you really keep an eye out on those things that are getting to close and can be a threat to our well-being?  Whether it’s an unwanted relationship, unhealthy habits or boundaries that we’ve allowed or crossed and jeopardized our morals. 

We have to be like that device and detect any type of motion and really see if we can give it access. Whether it is with our emotions, behaviors or attitudes. Even with our own hidden beliefs that something goes off to alert us that it’s not okay and that we need to be on the lookout. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve simply ignored those things that I detected with habits, behaviors and the things I have done to make myself believe it is okay. 

This device has come in handy, and one of the primary reason I purchased it was my daughter is heading into middle school next year. I wanted a sense of safety and security for her if I was not home. This device caused some self-reflection and question if I was monitoring my own life or not. Was I taking inventory of everything that was coming in and out of my heart, mind, and soul? This caused me to hone in on those things that aren’t necessarily good and not settle for things that I have allowed or highlight those things that I am unwilling to deal with.

Go on this journey with me and ponder for a quick moment. What are you detecting? Is it time look at those things in the face and detect what does or does not my belong in your life?  Have you detected some motion taking place and either not face them or maybe you are ready to deal with it or just simply are okay with ignoring it? 

I believe everything in life happens for a reason, and I don’t believe in coincidental. Every detail of our lives is part of our story whether it’s good or bad. As an individual’s, we have to learn to embrace the good and the bad but work on the things that are not good and learn to keep those things out. Detecting any kind of motion that may be detrimental in the long haul.

Beloved, are you ready to go on this journey with me and detect what those things are? It is time to take inventory of what has been happening lately.

Life Application

  • Reflection
  • Ask yourself, “Are you okay with what you have been detecting?” Whether it is good or bad, do not beat yourself over it!
  • Now set an action plan into place!
  • Grab an accountability partner, who will hold you accountable and be there during this new stance and journey you have taken.

Carrier’s of Hope,

Sandy Cortes

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time!

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Stop Copying Me

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As a child did you ever mimic someone in what they were doing to be silly?  Or decided to do something in return to because they hurt you?  There are so many times that I think to myself, “It can be difficult to be a Christian”.  Then being who am I ask, “Why, do you say that, Sandy?”.

Well we are not called to act and behave like the world does. Yet this can be hard to do when someone is being malicious towards you or towards one of your loved ones. Your instant response is to want to rough them up with your words or possibly with your bare hands!  It’s in our nature that we want to do to others what they have done to us.

I was convicted this morning and heard the Lord say, “Your acting just like the world handles these situations”.  I thought, “What are you talking about Willis?”.  Yes, I do talk to my daddy like that at times! He happened to shine the light in a situation where I witnessed someone bullying someone with their words.  Making them feel inadequate and questioning their abilities.

So, you’re probably asking how are you acting like the world? For starters, I lose my cool when I am seeing this behavior take place and I allow bitterness to sit in. I allow this situation to steal my joy and instead of praying for them I slander them with my mouth. Well there you have it, acting how the world handles their affairs.

If I am called to be different from the world then why am I mimicking their behaviors and the way the handle things? As a Christian I am called to be different and be a witness for the Lord. I am called to live in the light, so I shouldn’t allow darkness to influence me.  In these different situations I’m to ask the Lord to help me pray for that individual and for those that are being affected by it. I need to learn how to avoid these types of spiritual pitfalls.

I have to learn to leave it at the feet of Jesus and respond the way he would.  It’s actually having to die to what I would l really like to do.  I want to tackle that individual and do what they are doing to others or call it out in their life, but my approach would not be godly in any way, how I am being a witness if I play this out.  I’m mimicking how the world would handle it.  I was reading something that said, “The best offense is a good defense”.

Beloved, what are you mimic from the world today? Are you carrying bitterness or unforgiveness in your heart? Has someone done something to you that your carrying resentment towards that person?

Will you join together with me and leave whatever your situation is at the feet of Jesus. Let’s not allow the enemy to have a foothold in our life-like I have with mine. I’m choosing to release this situation and allow him to transform my thinking and my heart towards that.   Now this is mimicking God’s behavior!

Romans 12:2 “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect”.

Carrier’s of Hope,

Sandy Cortes

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time!

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Magnified

I found myself struggling with a situation that as the minutes went by it became magnified. The thoughts began to creep into my heart. I felt my chest becoming tight and was feeling a lot of anxiety.

I kept replaying the movie over and over asking myself, “Am I making the right decision? What if I’m not qualified? What if I am not chosen?

I had to ask myself, “What are you allowing into your heart and mind? This is what is keeping you away from the very thing that you’re longing to do. The situation becomes so magnified to the point that you become paralyzed and do not go into what you’re wanting to do.

That enemy is called “FEAR”. It becomes magnified in our lives that it keeps us away from the things that we’ve been called to do. It prohibits us from pushing forward and going after those things that God has placed in your heart. Those desires didn’t come from you, God placed them there.

So, I decided to go and face the very thing that I was most afraid of doing. I got in my car and begin driving towards that very magnified situation. I had to stare fear in the face and tell it to get out of my way! In this particular situation I knew there would be prestige people there with high educational backgrounds. I knew that they were going to be probing and interviewing me to see if I’m qualified to get into their program. That was the fear that was eating at me. It was telling me, “Sandy” are you crazy, they will not pick you! “You were not called to do this”.

Not only did I take the action steps to go but regardless of what they said I had to make a decision that if I was not accepted into this program I had to know God had something better. Regardless of the decision I was not going to allow it to dictate who I am. I had to look at myself in the mirror and say, “There’s a lot of qualities about you that can help others. You were called to do great things and by allowing the leading of the Holy Spirit it will bring healing and hope to the lives of others. You have to know that if your not selected for this program, this is not the one God wants you to do!! That’s what I had to remain focused on”.

Typically the program will notify you in 24 hours with a decision. I thought to myself, “This is going to be a long 24 hours for me”. So what was suppose to be 24 hours later, came within 2 hours. I received an email that I had been accepted into the program to pursue to my Masters to become a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. I quickly knew that God hand was all over this.

I thought to myself, “All the energy I was wasted prior to this! Did it make the situation come sooner? Did it help any by allowing fear to become magnified in my heart?

I want to ask you some questions:

• What is it that your most afraid of?

• What is it that you’re good at?

• What is one desire in your heart that you have wanted to do and haven’t done it due to fear?

• Focus on those things and those things will grow.

• Become more selective in your thoughts and more intentional on what you focus on.

• Stare fear in the face and walk into the very thing your afraid to do!

DO IT AFRAID!!!!

Carrier’s of Hope

Breathing Hope one Life at Time


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Did you sign a verbal agreement on that?

contractsignedAs I was working with a client on her belief system. I had her identify what some of her beliefs were.  As we were working through some of the lies, we ran across one that indicated, “I’m not smart enough”.  So, I probed a little and asked where did this stem from?  She indicated to me, “I do not really know, but I do recall when I was a little girl I was always taken out of class and had to review certain concepts in another classroom by myself”. She had a slow learning disability and because of this memory she developed the lie, “She was not smart enough”. 

I recall a situation in my own life that I could identify the same lie.  I believed the lie because my stepfather would always tell me, “You’re not smart enough and won’t amount to anything.”  So, with this being my step father telling me, that knows me, then he is correct in what he is saying.  It was not until I decided to go back to school to get my undergraduate degree that I realized that this was not correct. I had to request my transcripts from my High school and a previous college I had prior gone to.  Once I received the transcripts, I was amazed at the grades that were on them.  I had called the school and asked them, “Are you sure this is correct, and are you sure there is not another Sandy Pagan out there?  The grades were all “A’s”.  

Our beliefs create patterns in our lives that can paralyze us. Our perception becomes our reality, our life experiences shape us in the good and in the bad.  Without even recognizing it we do not even realize why we’re acting a certain way.  Or why we continue to do the same things over and over again.  This is based out of our belief system. It is like we have signed a verbal agreement and are bound to it. 

Signed and said, “Yes, this is correct information about me.  By signing this agreement, it becomes a legal document in our minds that we feel bound to what it says.  I cannot tell you how many lies go through my mind on a daily basis.  It feels like torpedo’s being launched waiting to see which one will land and explode.  It can become exhausting trying to combat those lies.  Especially if you do not have truths to combat them with.  So the key is identifying the lies and combatting them with truth.  

So I want to ask you, “Are you living out what was spoken over you?” Have you signed the verbal agreement that makes it an official document that you’re bound to today?

Life Application

  • What is a lie that you have been challenged by and want to work on?
  • Create a truth statement and agree on that!

I want to hear from you, tell me what is a lie that you have been challenged by and want to work on?

And, YOU shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free! (John 8:32).

Carrier’s of Hope

Sandy Cortes

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time.

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Puzzle Pieces

puzzle

Have you ever felt that when your going through something in your life that you want to retreat!  It’s never pretty, it’s ugly, it feels like it’s oozing out of the pores and it smells. Why would someone want to face that!  I was deceived into thinking people who are going through challenges in their life are messed up.  This is what I believed for many years. Little did I know I was looking at a reflection of my own life in the mirror.

I want to paint a picture for you, anytime something came up in my life that showed any signs of not having it all together I would retreat.  For many years I have portrayed to others that I have it all together. I put on this front of being so strong and recognized that I am a perfectionist.  I believed, “That I have to be perfect”. What a false deception and a prideful way of thinking!  The reality is I am completely not put together and go through hard times all the time!  I am imperfect, broken and can be very critical of myself and others.  If I am being completely honest my flesh and pride are warring against each other as I am revealing truth about me! Ha! How about that, I just kicked the enemy in the face, POW!

I also believed that whatever I was going through was either contagious or showed signs of weakness.  So I would run for cover so no one would see me this way.  It’s like someone took every piece of my life and tossed it out of the puzzle box.  I was broken in so many areas of my life.  As I look at the different pieces I realized I was no longer in charge and that I could no longer run.  I recall how hard it was and how many times I felt like I was not going to make it. The pruning and growing pains hurt so badly that made me question, “What is wrong with me,  I’m such a mess”.

As I reflect today, it’s a beautiful process when brokenness is taking place in our lives. Yes I said, “That all the breaking and pruning that takes place is beautiful”!  Those out-of-place pieces helped me to see where I needed to grow and recognize my triggers. It allowed me to be okay that I have not been called to be perfect and will have challenges. God allowed certain pieces to take place that created a breaking within me.  It brought exposure to things that were in me that were not of him! I had to face things that were dormant and retreat towards him.  It drew me closer to the one that picked up the pieces of my life and placed them where they needed to be, my creator.

Beloved, if you can relate to my story and/or are experiencing different challenges and are feeling broken, I want to encourage you that it will get better and to keep going.  A refining is taking place within you.  God is picking up those pieces and placing them right where they go.  He holds the puzzle box which holds all the pieces together that shows the full picture of your life. Every piece that has felt out-of-place, he strategically has placed it there because it is part of the process!  Eventually you will step back and take a look at a this beautiful picture.  Where God will hand you the puzzle box, that is your life!

Life Application

  1. Allow God to take those pieces of your life and lay them where they need to go.
  2. Remind yourself that brokenness is part of the process of building your story.
  3. Mediate on this scripture.,”But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong ( 2 Corinthians 12:9-11).
  4. Share your weaknesses with others.

 

Carrier’s of Hope,

Sandy Cortes

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time!